as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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