The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
