it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
