im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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