she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
