I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
