i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
