Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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