Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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