We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
