I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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