Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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