my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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