I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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