I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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