This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want her autograph on my taint
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
