I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
