the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
