She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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