Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
