This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
