I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
