I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
