i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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