Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
