6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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