I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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