at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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