I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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