Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
