Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
