I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
