omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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