peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
