this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
