Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In America we eat man semen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
