Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
