and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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