: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I love you. Go after that dick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
