I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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