I accidentally burped into my bong.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I party with great urgency now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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