let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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