john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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