i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
