The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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