I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
