Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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