i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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