Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
