Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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