I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This baby is an asshole
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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