dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
