I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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