How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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