I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
