He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love you.
Bad choice
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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